chapter 1 abel looked at the gold band on his ring finger, his watery brown eyes attempting to lessen the weight of the emptiness of his and noah's vows. the ring may be three years old, but it still reflects a sliver of bronze light on abel 's right cheek. the visual of it is almost innocent. he pulled the white duvet up to his chest, turning his head slightly to look over at his husband, who was laying in the far corner of the bed, his naked back turned towards abel. and even though abel wished noah would crawl back over to him and wrap his arms around abel 's frame in a tight grip and draw delicate patterns on his chest, the idea seemed too overrated now, too fake, and too pretentious. he sighed, slipping further into the gradually growing warmth of their bed, shifting his body and trying to get as comfortable as he once was when noah used to hold him. things just weren't the same anymore. and it's not like abel was complaining because things had been like that since the past year and a half, and honestly, he was getting used to all the little things that had switched over time. he was getting used to sleeping on the left side of the bed, and he was used to eat lunch alone in his suffocating work place. he was used to fake smiles and repeat conversations and discussions only about their finances or adrian, their thirteen year old son. he was used to occasional, meaningless kisses that were devoid of passion or love, and he was used to having five minute showers alone, without any pair of arms wrapping around his torso or soft lips pressing against the back of his neck. he was used to short arguments about nothing in particular and he was used to noah's constant ignorance. and he still wasn't complaining. he just missed their relationship when they were younger, when they weren't tied in the bland bond of marriage or had a family to manage or a son to drive to football classes every weekend. two years ago, abel wouldn't have thought that they would be having separate meals and half a minute phone calls. he didn't think that their working hours would be so impossibly different that when he came back home late at night, he would find noah asleep on the recliner in front of the television. he didn't think that weekends will just be spent in half hearted kisses, or a small argument about who is doing the dishes or making the bed. two hours later, noah would stay on his laptop, drafting emails or carelessly scrolling through his work documents and abel would just sit around in his study, letting the ink of his fountain pen stain multiple pages. maybe two years ago noah cared about him enough to listen to him rant about his day but now noah just presses a kiss to his forehead and says that he is sleepy. noah no longer makes love to him frequently, and whenever they do it's just not the same. it is distant and impersonal, like they are just having sex. there are no longer any marks on abel 's body, no significance that noah has made love to him the next morning. noah doesn't pull him to his chest and noah doesn't clean him up with a wet rag. noah just places a meaningless kiss to abel 's cheek and shifts to the other side of the bed again. and the problem is that abel can't blame noah either. according to noah, abel has just stopped trying in their relationship. not like he doesn't love noah or anything but he kind of fails to show it, and the fact bothers noah greatly. he is still insecure, even after three years of marriage and he doesn't want to to be too clingy, doesn't want to suffocate abel. he doesn't want to pull abel into his lap when he returns from work and says that he ate outside, dismissively thanking noah for making dinner. he doesn't want to step into the shower after abel, when he says that he's late for work and only takes a big swig of his coffee before leaving, forgetting to kiss noah goodbye. he doesn't want to take abel outside alone for a simple dinner and icecream or a movie because abel always says that he doesn't want adrian to feel ignored and it is just that. their relationship revolves around household expenses and adrian. and maybe they don't have three am conversations anymore, or pancakes for dinner, or think about getting a dog, or fight over who is doing the dishes. or the making out against walls or buy concealers to hide marks from people at work, or have showers so long that they turn cold. or unplanned outings or random walks in park, or insecure talks about the future or endless cuddling on the couch. but maybe they need 2009 again. just once more to know what they are missing.

Chapter 2 noahless: i made dinner!! can you come home sooner today? abeltross: babe i'm so sorry i already had dinner with chris noahless: chris? you mean that guy who dropped you home earlier? abeltross: yeah, him noahless: oh, that's okay i guess noahless: adrian was waiting up for you so we could have dinner together but there's no point in waiting now is it? abeltross: i'm sorry darling, i didn't know noahless: you never know dan abeltross: can we talk about this when i get home? noahless: i'm not sure if i'll be awake when you come back home at midnight abeltross: are you mad at me? noahless: good night noahless: be safe abeltross: noah please abel sighed, running a hand through his hair and giving a convincing smile to his co-worker, chris, when he gave him a concerned look. abeltross: i love you snap delivered

"noah?" abel pushes open the door of their apartment, his voice soft, and barely overpowering the loud television in the living room. he sighs, knowing noah has probably fallen asleep on the recliner again, and he takes off his shoes and coat before quietly making his way to the blasting chatter coming from the tv. just as he thought, noah's back was resting comfortably against their recliner, the tv remote balanced carelessly on his thigh and his pink lips were parted ever so slightly, dark hair fawning all over his forehead. abel just smiled at the older boy, his heart sinking a little at the fact that he has upset noah again by coming home late, but he shook the thought out of his head, walking over to his husband and placing a chaste kiss against his forehead, his fingers brushing the dark locks away from his eyes. noah's eyes fluttered slightly at the gesture and he leaned a bit into abel 's touch before abel retreated, standing back and watching as noah rubbed his eyes, a soft yawn escaping his lips. "abel?" his voice was groggy, and abel wanted nothing more than to smooth out his hair and lay down in bed with him, helping him fall asleep again. "hey," abel replied, biting his lip and waiting for noah's reaction. usually, noah would just give him a disappointed look and not make proper conversation with him but today noah just sighed, murmuring a soft "hi". "i'm sorry fo-" abel began apologising but was cut off when noah stood up, stretching his arms behind his head and leaned forward to press his lips against abel 's cheek. "it's okay, it doesn't matter," noah squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, giving abel a lazy smile that did not meet his eyes, and pushed past the taller boy to get to their bedroom, going over to the right side of the bed and slipping under the duvet. "you're not mad at me, are you?" abel asked cautiously, unbuttoning his shirt and placing it on the dresser, and noah just shook his head, turning over to face away from abel. to be honest, noah was tired now. he had started accepting the fact that getting mad at abel every three days for breaking his promises would get them nowhere, and just distance them further. they barely spent time together anyway, and when they did, noah did not want them to fight. of course, it would take time to transition his intolerance into acceptance. he would have to ignore the fact that abel barely has a meal with his family, or the fact that he has completely stopped answering noah's calls when he's at work. he will have to accept the fact that abel is busier now, he has much better things to do rather than fooling around with noah, and that they are growing up. abel is not eighteen anymore. noah lets out a shaky breath when the mattress dips next to him and abel 's arms wrap around his waist, abel 's lips placing a soft kiss against the back of his neck and he really wants to turn over and pull abel closer to him, he really does, but he is just afraid of rejection. he remembers that one time when he tried shuffling closer to abel in his sleep, abel had simply pushed him away, stating that it was too hot to cuddle and that he wanted some space. noah hasn't made the first move to cuddle abel since then. and it doesn’t have to be that dramatic but now it has been so long that making the first move feels like the most unnatural thing in the world. abel can feel it, the way noah's pale body goes rigid as he wraps his arms around the older boy and he feels like he's been stabbed right in the chest. it hurts slightly too much that they can't sleep together like they used to and abel knows for a fact that it has been a good three weeks since they have slept like this. "are you okay?" he murmurs in noah's hair and noah lets out a deep breath, leaning slightly into abel 's grip before nodding his head unconvincingly. "yeah, everything's fine," noah is clearly lying and after four years of knowing him, abel can confirm the fact. "okay," abel doesn't point it out though, he just loosens his grip on noah, and kisses his cheek once before shifting back to his original spot. "good night," abel 's voice is hoarse and noah turns to look at him, his chest hurting at the sight of abel going back to the edge of the bed. noah just looks at him with a small frown on his face, quickly recovering and offering abel a half hearted smile. "yeah," noah turns back around. "good night," and then he shuts the lamp off.